Quenching the Flame

In continuation of Lisa Compton’s Intimate Interactions Workshop and adding my thoughts and journey…….

The next section of the workshop was Igniting the Spark!  However!  I feel deeply led to come back to that and go to step three next.  Step three is….

Quenching the Flame…

This morning my devotional from family life for couples was on Song of Solomon and how King Solomon chose a bride who was seemingly “less than” .

“My mother’s sons were angry with me; they made me caretaker of the vineyards.”  Song of Solomon 1:6

Solomon’s bride was not refined, elegant–fit for a king.  She had a humble, impoverished upbringing.  Her skin was brown and weathered from working in the fields.  She brought some serious past issues to the marriage.  All the King saw was the beauty that she had in her soul and her potential.  Oh for someone to love us past our mistakes and weaknesses because they see within us great potential and beauty!

What quenches the flame in our intimacy?

1.  Jealousy–

Give no reason for you mate to be jealous.  Be careful how you speak of other men or women and their looks.  Only have eyes for them. Women–do we notice Zach Efron and say, “oooooooooooo baby what a hunk!”  Stop and think.  Is that edifying to your mate?  Men do you gaze a little too long at other women?  We are all capable of this.  No one is excluded.  So be mindful and practice only having eyes for your mate.  If that means cutting off a show or movie then cut it off.

Don’t feel you have to give every detail of past relationships.  If you need to talk about those things due to significant emotional issues then find a good counselor.

Stay away from romance novels, books and magazines that create lust and fantasy.

2.  Sex as a Weapon

Never use withholding sex as a way to get back at your mate.  For women, if we feel hurt or disconnected from our husbands we do not feel desirable and we often don’t want sex.  Try to pick something else.  What happens when you are hurt is you stop having sex.  And, because intimacy is the very act that draws you together in one flesh and unity the wall and hurt becomes bigger and bigger.  A chasm  of indifference and bitterness will be created over time.  If your needs are not being met on a consistent basis then give up time and get into counseling.  Give up pride and consider “one flesh” moments instead.  I’m not talking about abusive relationships.  If there is ongoing abuse then immediate help is needed.  Read I Corinthians 7:3-5

3.  Flashbacks –2 Corinthians 10:5 “and we take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ”

If you have a past with pornography, other relationships, sexual abuse and/or trauma, flashbacks are a reality for you.  Knowing this can set you free.  You are not crazy.  You are human.  We have brains that remember.  In that remembrance, things trigger us to have a flashback of a moment, a strong feeling or embarrassment/shame.  It’s okay.  Again, counseling is needed because you have to unpack that stuff and deal with it, or else you will carry it around in a suitcase weighing you down for the rest of your life.  When a flashback occurs take that thought captive, rebuke it with a positive statement from God’s Word.  God gave me a very special visual after much prayer in this area for those times.  Pray for God to do the same for you.  I have to say that is the most incredible moment when God gave me a strong positive visual of Him when flashbacks occur.  He will do the same for you.

4.  Pornography–

The access to pornography is real.  As early as elementary years old to as old as your grandma folks are addicted or exploring this avenue of perversion.  Some folks would say it enhances your intimacy.  It does not.  It creates images and flashbacks.  It takes from you because it’s lust, not love.  Love gives.  And, investing in a market that destroys is taking away from God’s Kingdom work.  In the privacy of your home you may feel “it’s okay” but seriously analyze if this is truly something God wants for you and your marriage.

How did I tie the woman from Song of Solomon to these areas?  Perhaps when you began your marriage you came with some of this baggage?  God can turn it around and deal with it so that you can feel the purest intimacy in your marriage.  If you are feeling less than ask yourself, “Why?”  Get at the root of why your intimacy is not all God wants it to be and start healing.  God wants you to experience paradise!  The enemy wants to pervert, God wants to restore and heal.

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