In the small hours of the morning of my father’s celebration of life, I was in a state of restless sleep. In and out of sleeping, thinking, dreaming, and remembering. At around 4:30 a.m., my brain decided to remember the song lyrics to “The Farmer in the Dell.” I laughed and thought that it was official, I had completely lost my mind. A few days after my father’s beautiful service, I opened my Bible study up. I jumped out of my seat when I discovered that our next chapter was on farmers, and the author began to talk about the child’s song “The Famer in the Dell”. I knew this week’s message would be just for me in my healing, and, in some ways, a message from Daddy. He, too, was a dreamer, and we would often talk about our dreams. My daddy’s life and his love is providing new depths to consider. I love you for this, daddy.
So much has happened since my dad’s passing. I’ve wanted space to talk about the impact, and many of you know because you’ve called and spent time with me. I think most of us know that a lifechanging event can stir up our journey and the tip of the iceberg is exposed. With eyes wide open, you see the magnificent iceberg in all it’s layers and glory. It’s not a Titanic situation, but a realization and a revelation.
A friend asked me to consider the “Value-based Affirmation Activity” that I have written about prior in my blog. I did this. God gave me the word “freedom”. In relation to this word, He also gave me the farmer and planting week in my study to understand the word in relationship to my faith.
I’m seeking freedom from the chains that I’ve created because I need control. I need to feel safe, and I desperately need things to be okay. My control comes from a wanting for those I love and the world around me to be…….. I can’t finish that sentence. Maybe that’s okay. The bottom line…”to be….” who I think would keep them safe.
This is exhausting.
God wants me to learn how to let Him be God, and for me to, well, “just be….” who He is calling me to be. I know that I can’t control the decisions of others or when people die. I get that. My control comes in the waiting, the watching on the sidelines, the desperate pain you have to make things right. God wants us free from our internal suffering to a way of preserving that produces character and ultimately a life that is built on eternal hope. I can fix my eyes on His work in the situation and not the pain or troubles. (2 Corinthians 4: 16-18) I’m thinking that if we can do this well, we will have more space for love. Love for God. Love for our neighbors. And, oh sweet friend, yes, love for ourselves. So long to words like “I’ve failed” to loving words of comfort and grace.
Right now, I’m in a space that I can’t finish this post. I can’t wait to share with you, at some point, how God took the word “freedom” and is exposing my layers in the iceberg. The Bible Study I’m in is called “A Life of Lovely” by Annie Downs. Session 2, Day 4, “Farmers Don’t Quit” was a revelation.
There is a time for every activity under heaven…… (Ecclesiastes chapter 3)
Thank you, Victoria, for my bracelet. You heard me, and you gave me a reminder. Sweet Amanda, knowing you made this brings me joy.
My heart cry: “Finish this season well, and prepare for the next one.”